Every Fantasy Football Team Owner is a High School Stereotype
Why do we love fantasy football? That’s a bit of a loaded question. Some want another excuse to watch every game, some like making a sport they’re “just alright with” a little more interesting, while others simply like gambling. But what we often overlook is the community created in a fantasy football league. Every league spawns a microcosm of society, and represented in this microcosm is every stereotypical high school clique.
1. The Asshole Jock
This owner takes fantasy VERY seriously. They overjoy in pointing out to every other owner how they messed up their lineups in last week’s matches. They believe they understand the game better because they were the third option receiver on their 4 and 8 high school football team. Unfortunately, and it pains everyone to admit it, they are pretty good at fantasy.
2. The Burnout Stoner
Everyone loves this owner except the commissioner. They are the last one to pay their entrance fee and the first to forget to set a lineup. The only time anyone needs to worry about them is in the first couple weeks before players are on byes or get injured. Despite finishing last or close to last every year, they’re down to give next year another try because, you know, it’s like whatever.
3. The Cool Teacher
This is likely your commissioner. Sure, they make the rules and inflict the penalties, but they’re also just like “one of the guys”. They rap Shakespeare, show up to every high school dance (as a chaperone of course and definitely not to comment on everyone’s outfit and corner them with stories of their own high school experience), and play self-censored versions of the newest fire-emoji jams on their acoustic guitars at the homecoming bonfire. Yeah, they’re an authority figure, but they’re hip and down with it.
4. The Nerd
Statistics and insider information, that is all this owner cares about. They haven’t watched a full game of football in five years, but they’re notified anytime Adam Schefter picks up his phone, and they can recite each major and minor player’s fantasy statistics for the last eight seasons. They don’t have a lot of friends, but they have their numbers… and an unrelenting desire to prove they’re better than everyone that was ever mean to them.
5. The Intellectual Stoner
This owner thinks of every decision they make at least three times. They sit down and get in touch with every option and every imaginable possibility. They slow down the process and let science and the universe guide them. They are seeking influence beyond the physical world. Warning, they will use up every second of their allotted time in a draft.
6. The Thespian
Looking for drama? Search no further. This owner is bringing every emotion to the table. They rant and rave about each trade and pickup and gesticulate their emotions with flamboyant flair to all who’ll bear witness. They may lose week one and threaten to jump ship because they’re playoff hopes are clearly ruined, but they’ll never actually stop competing. The show must go on.
7. The Mean Girl
This owner used to be a contributing member and eager to hang out with the crew, but then they got invited to a cooler league with a steeper buy-in, and now everything in your league is “cute” or “precious”. They’re typically not openly hostile, but their passive-aggressive superiority can be seen from space. You’ll be lucky if they deem you worthy enough to join the league next year… this is probably a close relative like your sibling or mom.
8. The New Girl
Not much is known yet about this owner. Is the side ponytail and acid washed jeans because she’s from somewhere like New York or LA and is ahead of the game on the fashion trends… or was she homeschooled the last ten years and only allowed to watch highly monitored reruns of Growing Pains with her parents and 9 younger siblings? This owner is a wild card and not to be underestimated.
9. The Janitor
This owner lives on the waiver wire picking up the Randall Cobb’s of the world like they’re half eaten tuna fish casseroles. There is always some else’s discards to pounce on and maybe have a little sample. This owner primarily hides in the shadows as to not draw too much attention, but occasionally they’ll find their spotlight (typically in the most unwelcome of places like an active locker room) and impart some genuine nuggets of wisdom.
10. The Fringe Friend
Thrilled to be hanging with the crew, this owner will do just about anything to secure a spot in the league. They probably weren’t the first person you asked to join, or the second, or the third, but when they got the call, they dove in head first. They have something to prove, and if you look away, they’re going to be running the show and stealing your girlfriend by the end of the season.
11. The Bad Boy
This owner may or may not show up to the draft. It’s not because they’re necessarily busy, but rather, they just don’t really give a fuck. They always end up throwing together a pretty decent team that begrudgingly impresses everyone. They typically have a a solid season, but when it looks like they may not make the playoffs, they trade their best players for third string tight ends because it’s pretty lame to care about fantasy football.
12. The Hidden Gem
At first glance, this owner doesn’t look like much. In the auction draft, they didn’t spend more than $30 on any single player. They have no big-name superstars and an aging quarterback. Then one day they replace their coke bottle glasses with contacts and start strutting around in tight jeans, and it suddenly hits you, they just outscored the league by 20 points. Once their hair was combed and pushed out of their eyes, you recognized a well-balanced team that was able to build a personality during their ugly years.
